Fawn, a.k.a Extreme Kindness: The Lesser Talked about Survival Response

Fighting and fleeing get a lot of airtime when it comes to survival. Most of the mainstream media we consume shows the heroic person fighting back, breaking free, or running away. There’s lots of love for those two survival responses.

But there are other survival responses. Have you heard of the freeze response? What about fawning?

These are two other well-researched survival responses that are equally as important, if not more so, especially when it comes to childhood or complex trauma. But they don’t get nearly as much attention or celebration. In fact, many people hold shame about having taken on these incredibly adaptive survival responses. Perhaps this is because they are less obvious, or look to the outside observer like the person is giving up.

But the brain is smart and hard-wired for survival. It assesses threats in a split second.

Am I strong enough to fight this person? Can I run away fast enough? Is there somewhere safe to go?

Often, the answer is NO.

So what do we do?

We stay. We adapt. We survive.

If you’re in a situation where you don’t know how to survive on your own, can’t leave, or are incredibly fearful of the consequences of leaving, you stay and figure out how to survive within those constraints.

This is where the fawn response becomes essential.

Don’t want to upset someone? Be kind. Caretake. Anticipate what the aggressor will need before they get upset. People-please. Ingratiate yourself to them.

As long as they are happy, you will be fine.

Ingenious.

But because these more subtle survival responses aren’t talked about nearly as much, and because society often characterizes a ‘hero’ by some drastic action—a break, a fight, an escape—people come to therapy carrying a lot of shame about their fawn response. Or they feel a sort of self-betrayal. Or they may just be confused by it.

But it makes complete sense.

Fawning is a legitimate survival response.

It is likely what kept you safe a lot of the time.

It is a strength.

It is hard to do.

It is not something to be ashamed of.

We are beautifully complex human beings. What we show the world is not always what we experience inside. Someone can seem to rule over us in the external world, but they don’t get to own your secret thoughts and feelings.

And you still are You.

That matters.

AND...

In situations where you are safe, fawning doesn’t have to be your knee-jerk reaction.

With safe people, you don't have to constantly figure out who they want you to be. You can just be yourself.

This is a hard shift to make. It takes time to get back in touch with who you are in relation to others. It also takes time to learn how to express it - to set boundaries, say no, and tolerate the discomfort that comes with being authentically yourself. But it is possible.

Your ways of thinking and behaving are superhighways that have been constructed over years of adapting to your surroundings and finding out what has historically worked. Building a new path is bumpy, and it takes time. It requires relentless practice and hard work.

But the good news is that the brain is neuroplastic. Time for a system update!

We can change.

When clients want to move away from a past behaviour that no longer serves them, I suggest trying it with low-stakes, low-impact actions.

Show yourself, through experience and feedback, that it is safe to speak your mind. To set boundaries. To stop people-pleasing all the time.

It doesn’t mean you will always get a positive response.

But the idea is that, on the whole, there will be more evidence that it’s safe to be authentically yourself than evidence that it isn’t.

To heal, we need a few things:

• To understand ourselves deeply.
• To have and experience true appreciation and self-compassion for the things we’ve endured.
• To grieve and unburden the pain.
• To have corrective experiences in the present moment, ideally in relationships.